I is for: "In Case Of My Pre-Mature Demise"

For decades, I have been developing face-to-face conversations with my children.  To no avail, it seems that even through this is supposed to be the opulent form of communication, in some circumstances, I warrant it the worst.  I have repeated myself over and over again and gotten nowhere.  I have received the ever dramatic rolling of the eyes, “the hand” gesture in the face, and the overall overrated freedom of speech.  Yes, the message is loud and clear when you are ignored.

On the other hand, I have been writing notes to my children for years, as well.  Just simple bits of encouragement, or a brief excerpt from their favorite book, or maybe just a little ditty to say have a good day at school.  Then they got older, and my notes seemed to change.  The leanest form of communication seemed to reach the greatest motivation.  My notes started looking more like this...

In Case Of My Pre-Mature Demise:

This is

How to Change a Roll of Toilet Paper

Step I – Roll Replacement

1.    Simply Slide the EMPTY roll of toilet paper off of the toilet paper dispenser.  It has a male/female spring-loaded device to operate.  This can be achieved with one or two hands, possibly feet. 

2.     Throw the empty roll into the garbage can.  Just in case you didn’t know, in this house, if sitting, it’s located next to the toilet on your right side. 

3.    Keep the dispenser rod in your right hand.  But some of my children are ambidextrous, so figure out this out accordingly.

4.    With your left hand, Reach Down into the toilet paper holder for a FRESH new roll of toilet paper.  (Unless standing, then use your brain.)

5.      Thread it through the dispenser rod that is in your right hand. 

6.      Take the rod with the toilet paper on it and Place It into the toilet paper dispenser. 

7.      It doesn’t matter if the paper is “over” or “under” as long as it’s replaced...BUT I PREFER OVER...IF YOU'RE FOLLOWING ME!!!

Step II – Back-Up Rolls Are Part of the Changing Process

1.     By the way, if you use the last roll of toilet paper in the holder, walk five (5) steps to the walk-in closet and GET SOME REPLACEMENTS.

2.      If all out of toilet paper in the closet or if you use the last roll in the closet:  IMMEDIATELY make note of it via:  paper, email, text, voice mail, or run to the store and buy some as soon as possible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3.      And, of course:  flush, put the toilet seat down (you know who you are), and wash your hands.

Love, Mama Bear

Since that seemed to get my point across, I left this message.

Your one job today is to vacuum.

Please & Thank You!

Love, Mama Bear

When I got home from work that night, I jotted down this piece of prose.

No, I didn’t say take the vacuum cleaner out of the closet and leave it in the middle of the walkway when I enter the house so I could trip and fall and kill myself.  Evidently, my instructions weren’t clear enough for one to understand my full intention/meaning…

How to Vacuum the House

1.      Take the Vacuum Cleaner out of the Closet (O!  You mastered that one already.  Sorry!)

2.      Unroll the Cord by unraveling it, lying it straight, and

3.   Finding the Plug which looks like a squared-shape U, and (just in case you didn’t know) is located on the very end of the cord.

4.      Look for an Electrical Socket.  This may be a little tricky, because they’re located on WALLS, not on televisions, not on the computers.

5.    Electrical Sockets are generally rectangular in shape (with four corners, and two short sides & two long sides) that usually have two strange little faces in them like this =^l 

6.      Take the Plug and Place it into the Electrical Socket.  Very Important: keep your fingers off of the metal protrusions on the plug or you could get big-time owies.

7.      Now Go Back to the Vacuum Cleaner and Turn IT ON.  On this machine it’s switch is a pedal located near the floor on the LEFT side.  You can even achieve this by stepping on the “ON” switch with a foot.  How fun!

8.      O!  Wow!  It Makes Noise!  VA-ROOM!  So by grabbing the handle up you’re your waist, push & pull it across the carpeting, all of the carpeting.

9.      Watch it Do Amazing Tricks like sucking up all of the Cheerios you’ve feed the floor.

10.  Shut it Off by stepping on the very same pedal you turned it on with.

11.  The Hard Part while turned off (Very Important: keep your fingers off of the metal protrusions on the plug or you could get big-time owies), unplug the vacuum from the wall switch.

12.  Roll Up the Cord

13.  Put the Vacuum Cleaner Back in the Closet where you found it.

Love, Mama Bear

Wow!  Low channel richness was working for me.  So, the next day, I wrote the following note: 

How to Unload the Dishwasher

It’s relatively quite simple:

If you know where a cup is located when

you want a drink,

then that’s where it goes when you

put it away.

If you know where a plate is located when

you want to eat,

then that’s where it goes when you

put it away.

If you know where a fork is located when

you want a morsel of food,

then that’s where it goes when you

put it away.

If you know where a spoon is located when

you want a shot of whipped cream

as you walk by the refrigerator,

O, Just Forget It

JUST USE YOUR HAND!

Love, Mama Bear