V is for: "Virtues & Vodka"

V is for:  "Virtues & Vodka"

Vodka has always been a mainstay in my life.  It was my Auntie Jo’s beverage of choice; my mother-in-law used to drink it religiously; and (at sixteen) my son told his twin,

“Go have mom buy some vodka; she’s going to need it; they cancelled her soaps.  You know how she taught us ‘S is for:  Sex & Suffering in the Afternoon’, well, she’s, no I take that back, we’re going to be the ones suffering now!” 

I heard the one-sided conversation, “You’re not fucking funny…that isn’t a joke!”  Somehow my daughter convinced me that her side of the conversation was practical to use profanity in the produce section, yet purchase Piesporter & Pan Tadeusz, all at the same time.  And I wasn’t planning on buying anything alcoholic in nature for days, and I certainly don’t make practice of cursing.

I know parenting doesn’t derive with a handbook for the hysterical & the hypothetical, but seriously, now, where did I go wrong?  Preserving my sanity and showing me the path to righteousness certainly hasn’t come out the book; it came out of the bottle. 

God I know I’m not the perfect parent, 
and this proves it…

One of my children sent me this on facebook recently, because that’s what I taught them.  My poor son has lived with a woman that whips the bra off and furiously whirls it across the room as soon as she walks in the entranceway.  Shoes too, but that hasn’t seemed to make as much as an impact as the...

“Look Mummie, I’m Mickey Mouse!”

While running around the house with my bra strapped to his head.

My mom would have died if she saw this, my aunt would have toasted it on the rocks.

My children were taught to ask me these questions before leaving the house when they were two:

"Mummie, do you have the keys

&

are you wearing a bra?"

When the twins were that age, my Auntie Jo was on the phone with me one time, and we were on the way out the door.  She heard this, and was in tears laughing at me and my level headedness, because she knew I had a problem with keys.  Hey, we were never locked out, and I didn’t look like a sleaze.  These are very important values to impress upon the young.

      I can understand how parents warp the minds of their children.  (Obviously, I’ve done that.)  But when some parents teach their children how to spell, the first word they recite is:

B-A-R

That wasn’t my style.  Trust me.  I educated them with the fundamentals of the English language hands down.

       And I taught my children to be honest with me, no matter the cost, and they are.  Why just the other day, I received this priceless piece on facebook, for me and only 150+ of my best friends and each of their 500+ friends times three to “share”… 

But I want you to be the judge.  Shouldn’t I have been the one to send it to them? 

One of my children is working on their third major-change in college; and this is what decade of a four-year scholastic career?  Another, has one-job-to-do-a-day (i.e., unload the dishes or take out the garbage) that takes all of five minutes, and forgets, because s/he is memorized by reading so much, playing video games, viewing television, or socializing on facebook.  Then there’s the third.  I was literally reading Chelsea Handler’s humor on VODKA and Prison Breaks, when a detective called me to let me know that my missing child had been located.  It’s a good life and someone has to do it; I’m glad it’s me.  I wouldn’t pass it up for the world.

Yes, vodka has cushioned many blows in my life!  And, I do admit, on many days I have partaken in a good belt.

But…

When it comes to

being a mother,

do my circumstances warrant:

simply vomiting; or

getting loaded

and dancing on tabletops all night

for drinks & tips; or

chugging down

a bottle of 
Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup?

Who can give me an answer for that one?  All I really know is that children give you a run for the money which enables you to buy Vodka with it! 

When you say you need wine to serve with dinner for your in-laws, and your ten-year olds volunteer to go to the next isle at the grocery store and choose out a bottle for you.  Let them do it.  When they purposely return with…

 

Praise them for their astute efforts.  Then chill the bottle for the grandparents.  Note everyone’s expression during the pour.  It’s an uncanny flash you’ll never forget.

     When your children are driving you irrationally senseless, tell them in no uncertain terms:  

“Be nice to me;

I’m old enough to be your grandmother;

but don’t let anyone know that;

they all think I’m thirty-five!”

And I say do so virtuously

(with a slice of vodka on the side)!

Leslie D. Zenoni

d.b.a.  

Coloured Pencils

© 1976 ~ 2012