01 September 2011

N is for "Never Leaving the Classroom or Any Room to Go to the Bathroom or Never Doing Your Homework"






The best part of the day is when complete and total cooperation occurs.  No back talk in English, Twin or any other foreign tongue; acting pleasantly is an achievement beyond recognition; loving one another is surely the living end; and silence is golden.  I thrive for these magic moments constantly.  (And being a parent with the three most perfect children, this happens everyday, even now.)
In all reality though, sometimes these breaks are few and far between, and I wait too long for my offspring to reach this goal for me.  When am I going to have any time for myself?  Let's face it all I really need is just two seconds to pee.  So, my kids would seem to be in control and it would turn into that mad-dash moment when I suddenly jet towards the restroom.  Now, what kind of trouble could my angels get into in what little time it takes me to get in and out of there?

How many times have I done this?  And how many times was I the nitwit?  You know that old saying:
“Fool me once, shame on you.
   Fool me twice, shame on me.”

Well, those sweet little devils had/have burned me so many times that I should be extinguished by the fire department.  I’ll tell you, this is because their escapades have begun as small sparks and have exploded into five alarm sticky frozen infernos.
I remember one day in particular.  It was what actually seemed like a good day.  But as it turned out, it wasn’t any exception to the rule of the chaos that children of multiple births can create.  They can really, really mess up a carefully planned day. 
In fact, it was a nice spring April day in 1997, the sun was shining brightly, but there was an incredible winter storm that left a blanket of white snow all over the inside of our house.   Emma & Evan were two and a half, and Edie Marie, the ten year old, was diligently doing her homework.  She had a question about the computer.  I said, “Let me get Emma & Evan interested in something and I’ll be right there.”  The timing was great because “Wishbone” came on.  The kids loved “Wishbone” and so did I.  (Teaching children excellent literature ~ Greek Mythology, Shakespeare, Twain ~ through the wit of a cute puppy dog.  I should have thought of that one.)  Then I hopped the child gates, and went to help Edie. 

At that time, it was like living in a zoo; we had gates all over the house.

We had gates on the deck.
On the upper level, of course, we had a gate at the top of the stairs, and we had the babies’ room double gated.  (Yes, we totally had to cage the twins in like wild animals.)  On the lower level, we had child gates everywhere:  we had the kitchen blocked off, and the pantry blocked off, and the powder room blocked off, and the utility/laundry room blocked off, and the computer room blocked off, and the bottom of the stairs blocked off.
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One might say that we over did it, but considering
the over-dynamic, over-active, over-athletic,
over-the-gate children
that Emma & Evan are,
we really only had the gates there as a hindrance to slow them down from major tragedy.  These kids would be mountain climbers if we let them.
 
In fact, if Emma & Evan wanted something that they could not reach and they could not find something to use as stepstool…
They’d use each other for a boost. 
(As demonstrated at age eight.)
You must picture them down on all fours, and then one of the two stands on the back of their twin, and that’s when they reach for the stars.  (I never was able to get this on film when they were younger.  To date, my only other witness of this event when they were around age two is one of my mother-in-laws, Judy.  For the longest time, I had no one else to testify to this on my behalf.)
At any rate, leaving the room for the moments that I had, had truly been the end to another carefully planned day.  While I went to help Edie, the kids climbed the gate by the pantry door, and they pulled out the container of (newly opened) powdered sugar from the pantry.  When I returned to the living room, this is what I saw…



I was in shock.  It all happened so fast.  To top it off (their dad & sister would always leave a spoon in the container so they can sprinkle powdered sugar on their French Toast).  So with that in mind those twiners were spooning each other heaping mounds of delectable delight.  And not to boast or anything, but weren't they proud of themselves.



Well, I immediately and quietly ran to tell Edie and grabbed the camera!  O!  Did I have to get this one on film for posterity!  People just didn't seem to believe me when I would tell them what Emma & Evan can get into in seconds flat.










You might be saying to yourself right now:
How cute!
They don't look that bad.
Just throw them in the tub, and vacuum up the mess.

But do you think it went that way for me?  NOOOOOO WAY!!!!!!!  The two of them proceeded to bolt like lightning.  (Have you ever lived though a snowstorm with lightning, too?  It's an incredible normality, right?)  Be that as it may, Evan & Emma split going in different directions.  They had handfuls of snow in their hands.  A snowstorm blasted its way through the Chicago area as they were throwing and dropping snowballs every this way and that.  Once either Edie or I caught one of the delinquent duo, the other got free somehow and went back for more sugar.  There was sticky goo everywhere their tiny little hands could get to.

I took the container creating confection off of the floor, but, as Emma showed me days later, "This is how I got more sweet sugar, but this time, I take the salt!"  A-four-part-series of steps.


Now, they were screaming laughs of glee, just simply having the time of their young lives, and I was screaming with anguish and torment.  I was crying and fearing more fatigue (than normal that is ~ "hysterectomy" became a good term in my vocabulary) to come, because do you know what?  I had just cleaned the carpeting and furniture that day during nap time.  Needless to say, it was an incredibly sticky situation.  And, yes, it took me hours to clean up. And it took Edie sometime cleaning up herself and the Double Trouble Team, too

Edie never did finish her homework that was due the next morning.  I wrote a note to her teacher telling her what happened, and how Edie's hair got stuck to the carpeting and she couldn't get unstuck and up.  She believed it; she knew us.

When their dad came home from work that night, after one of his twelve to fourteen-hour days, I said, "First of all, don't wake those kids up there. I don't care if you haven't seen them all day.  I've seen plenty of them and their antics. Now, case in point, would you like to share the blender of strawberry daiquiris that I just made for myself?  Really, it's neither a requirement nor  a necessity to join me, because like my Auntie Jo always says when it comes to booze: waste not, want not.  I’ve had a cold day in hell today, and I'm not talking about Hell, Michigan in winter either."  Then I said, "I find it hard to believe that I'm forty-years old, you know, and I still find it hard to believe that I should never leave the classroom or any room to go to the bathroom, and I still find reasons not to do my homework."
Original Incident:  31 March 1998
On13 February 2003, Evan Thomas finally admitted that it was he who hopped the gate to get the powdered sugar, and Emma Jacquelyn was the LOOK OUT.











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